This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
