I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
