I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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