you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
