i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Bring me that man meat
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
