Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
