as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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