i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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