I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
