and next time when you feel me up, do it right
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
