I'm so fucking centered right now
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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