Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
