So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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