Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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