her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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