cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
