cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
