no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
