I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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