why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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