Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
