1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
