Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
