Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
