I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
