So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
