My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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