Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
