How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
