i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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