...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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