Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
