Can Purell be used as lube?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
