So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
