im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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