i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
