I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
