I am midnight drunk by noon
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
