Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
