I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
