"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
