Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
