First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
