I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
