history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I will be naked everywhere
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
