two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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