I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
