so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He felt like a one man threesome
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
