Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
