There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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